he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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