I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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