thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
