i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Randomize
