My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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