i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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