I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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