how can u be prego again
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
