he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
