Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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