You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Why did my mother make you get naked?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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