Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
You can't special order awesome
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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