I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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