Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
