i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
