so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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