when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
