My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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