I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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