dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
