hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
