Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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