he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
