I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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