Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Randomize