I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
