The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
