I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
