Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
