I didn't shave. On purpose
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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