tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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