Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
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