Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
