god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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