just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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