Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
