There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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