I wish they made helmets for livers.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I am available for nakedness
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
