Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
