His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
