she woke up with a sticky ear
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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