Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
