WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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