Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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