Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
