So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
