I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
