my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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