i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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