I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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