Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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