i'm signing you up for texting rehab
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
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