fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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