great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
