I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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