All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
