I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize