can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Randomize
